by Phoebe Farag Mikhail

A bag full of hand me downs for my youngest son has been in my car for a month now. A more Well Put Together mom would have brought it in the same day, folded what could be worn into drawers and properly stored what is still too large. Not me. Instead, I thanked my dear friend for the clothes and left them in my minivan, where they weren’t hurting anyone.

A few weeks after receiving the clothes, I had to drag my youngest child out of bed for an early morning liturgy at church. Well Put Together mom would have laid his clothes out after bathing him in the evening, but that night my son had fallen asleep in yesterday’s clothes. We were already running late, so thankfully I didn’t have to change him–we just got into the car and left.

At church said son left his spot in the front pew and walked over to me, and it was then and only then that I noticed the HUGE hole in his pants. Everyone else in the church, if they weren’t closing their eyes in prayer, would have seen it too. This wasn’t just a little rip at the knee, but a huge, gaping hole, as if he had taken a scissor to it and cut off a piece of his pants so that his knee and lower thigh were visible.

Well Put Together Mom would have a complete change of clothes already prepared for such a time as this. I did not. But then, I remembered—the bag of hand me downs I never put away!

I rushed off to the car and thanked heaven when I found another pair of pants in that bag. They fit him perfectly. Into the trash went the other ripped pants. And into the trash went my guilt at not having it all together, because it’s in these crazy moments that I experience grace.

I wish I could be more put together, more prepared, less cluttered, less messy. Yet somehow, I feel my gratitude is greater when things turn out well despite my whirlwind life, not because of some well-oiled system I have created.

Don’t get me wrong. I need to declutter my house, and those clothes will have to leave the minivan trunk eventually. And I have much love and respect for people who do manage to keep things together more seamlessly for their families; plan their meals, keep a complete change of clothes in the car for every child at all times… these are the people I could always count on when I forgot the baby wipes at home.

But these are also the people I often envied, wishing I could be more like them, and worried that they might resent me. It’s not their fault I envy them, and chances are they aren’t resenting me that extra baby wipe.

In her book One Beautiful Dream: The Rollicking Tale of Family Chaos, Personal Passions, and Saying Yes to Them Both, Jennifer Fulwiler tells the story of a woman she admired who was just like the Well Put Together Mom I envied: a wonderful homemaker who ran the church meal train, showed up to liturgy with impeccably dressed and well-behaved children, and kept a beautiful and uncluttered home.

But in conversation with that mom, Fulwiler learned that she had been an interior decorator before having children. That mom reminded Jen that keeping it together was her “blue flame.” That is what she enjoyed doing, what gave her life. She wasn’t on a morally superior plane, and neither did she judge her friend who didn’t seem so “put together.” Here is how the conversation went:

“People see that I like to keep my home super clean and I love getting the kiddos all dressed up. They hold me up like I’m doing all of this only out of some really strong sense of duty. But let me tell you, that is my thing that I love to do … Before I had kids I was an interior decorator. Style, beauty, all that stuff—it’s my blue flame. I’m using my gifts just like you are.” …I let her words sink in. Christy was using her blue flame too; it just looked different because her gifts had a natural outlet in household work.

-Fulwiler, Jennifer. One Beautiful Dream (p. 163). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Different things give me life. My “blue flame” in Fulwiler’s words is definitely not in the homemaking and interior decoration realm. It’s in the reading, writing, traveling, and educating realm. “Keeping it together” is not a fruit of the Spirit. I might not be the mom with extra baby wipes on hand, but I am the mom with the extra crayons in her bag from the restaurant she went to three months ago because she hasn’t cleaned her purse out since. (Ok, I’m also the mom with extra allergy medicine, but that’s another story.) We complete each other.

“Keeping it together” is not a fruit of the Spirit. But love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control are, and those can be borne from the many gifts the Spirit gives us. The Well Put Together Mom I envy actually doesn’t really exist – she’s a composite of the person doing well all the things I fail at doing well. She exists somewhere on social media, sharing beautiful photos of clutter free-home or selling her meal planning system.

It doesn’t hurt to watch those decluttering videos or try a meal plan out. I tried meal planning; I even got a journal and a whiteboard on my fridge. It went well for a week or two until the meal plan on the board got erased on Tuesday and replaced with a nicely drawn picture by one of my children (the one who didn’t know how to read yet). Maybe I’ll try it again with less erasable system, but I’ve stopped feeling guilty about it. My family is eating.

What’s more important is that in all this I’m working on my inner life – learning to admire without envy, giving myself grace the way God gives me, and cultivating kindness towards all those people out there who think they are less “Well Put Together” than I am. What’s more important is me deciding what’s important, and not allowing the internet, magazines, and my own insecurities to dictate what’s important for me.

---

For more inspiring (tongue-in-cheek) homemaking and housekeeping tips, check out my post, Domestic goddess – Being In Community.

Summer Kinard wrote a beautiful blog post a few years ago in response to the “Christian influencer” trend of focusing on our outer appearance: Girl, Wash Your Soul – Summer Kinard

I shared some thoughts on letting my kids eat those sugary fruit pops over the summer here: Why It’s Okay for Kids to Eat Sugar (tinybeans.com)

Get updates on my latest blog posts, writing news, free subscriber resources, and other resources by subscribing to my email newsletter: Subscribe and receive two free ebooks and more! – Being In Community.

Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links to purchase the books suggested here. Using these links gives me a small commission, and this helps support my blog expenses. Some books can be found at an even lower price used. If you use my Thriftbooks referral link, you and I will get a promotional code for a free book if you spend $30 or more.