Today is the second post in a five-part series I’m sharing on sexual abuse. I’m honored to have an expert clinician in the field share her knowledge and experience on the topic of child sexual abuse for several posts in this series. I’m also honored that she’s a friend and my sister in Christ. You can read her first post in the series, Talking to My Children About Child Sexual Abuse, here. In today’s post, Silvia explains important facts about child sexual abuse, explains some of the warning signs for parents and caregivers, and offers a list of important tips for speaking to children about child sexual abuse. This list of tips can also be downloaded in a free printable format by subscribing to the Being in Community newsletter here. The third post, forthcoming, will discuss disclosure and the impact of abuse on children.

By Silvia Farag, MSW, LSW, PsyD Candidate

It’s hard to accept, but child sexual abuse happens in every community. Prosecuting these crimes means that kids have to disclose the details of what happened to them, and it’s easier for them to do so when their caregivers can read the signs and are prepared to listen and intervene. Parents have a huge role in this.

In my last post I talked about what led me to talk to my own children about sexuality and child sexual abuse, with examples of how I’ve spoken to them. Every parent will have this conversation differently, but it’s important that every parent knows and understands the facts so that the conversation leads to prevention. So, let’s start with the basics.

What is child sexual abuse?

“Child sexual abuse is any interaction between a child and an adult (or another child) in which the child is used for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator. Sexual abuse can include both touching and non-touching behaviors. Touching behaviors may involve touching of the vagina, penis, breasts or buttocks, oral-genital contact, or sexual intercourse. Non-touching behaviors can include voyeurism (trying to look at a child’s naked body), exhibitionism, or exposing the child to pornography. Abusers often do not use physical force, but may use play, deception, threats, or other forms of coercion to engage children and maintain their silence. Abusers frequently employ persuasive and manipulative tactics to keep the child engaged. These tactics—referred to as “grooming”—may include buying gifts or arranging special activities, which can further confuse the victim.” (Source:  https://www.rainn.org/articles/child-sexual-abuse).

As I mentioned in the last post, child sexual abuse is a problem that breeds in secrecy, so simply speaking openly and publicly about it will enhance efforts at prevention. It is critically important to educate our children. They need to know that their bodies belong to them and that they don’t have to go along with everything an adult tells them to do.

We must encourage our children to feel comfortable talking to their parents about their bodies without embarrassment and teach them what kind of touching is okay between a child and an adult, and what is not. Parents should explain to children that offenders may try to trick them into keeping the “not okay” touching a secret. It is important that we help them to understand the difference between secrets and surprises, good touch and bad touch. There are more tips about body safety and protecting children at the end of this post.

We can remind children not to keep secrets and that no matter what an offender might say, it’s okay for the child to tell. Finally, when children are brave enough to disclose sexual abuse, it is important that we respond with calm and understanding and to immediately seek professional help – both mental health and medical care.  It’s critical to do everything you can to protect the rights of your child by reporting the abuse to law enforcement as well. It’s important to do everything to help children to recover from such experiences and to protect other children in the process.

Who is sexually abused?

Children of all ages, races, ethnicities, religions and economic backgrounds are vulnerable to sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse affects both girls and boys in all kinds of neighborhoods and communities, and in countries around the world. In other words, there is no community that is not affected by this tragedy.

How can you tell if a child has been sexually abused?

Children who have been sexually abused may display a range of emotional and behavioral reactions, many of which are characteristic of children who have experienced other types of trauma. These reactions include:

• An increase in nightmares and/or other sleeping difficulties
• Withdrawn behavior
• Angry outbursts
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Not wanting to be left alone with a particular individual(s)
• Sexual knowledge, language, and/or behaviors that are inappropriate for the child’s age

Although many children who have experienced sexual abuse show behavioral and emotional changes, many others do not. It is therefore critical to focus not only on detection, but on prevention and communication—by teaching children about body safety and healthy body boundaries, and by encouraging open communication about sexual matters.

Parents, you must talk to your children.

Many people believe that child sexual abuse is a rare experience. However, child sexual abuse is not rare. Retrospective research indicates that as many as 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18. However, because child sexual abuse is by its very nature secretive, many of these cases are never reported.

It is also a myth that a child is most likely to be sexually abused by a stranger. Children are most often sexually abused by someone they know and trust. Approximately three quarters of reported cases of child sexual abuse are committed by family members or other individuals who are considered part of the victim’s “circle of trust.”

Perpetrators can be male or female, although the majority are male. More often, offenders are known and trusted by the children they victimize. They may be members of the family, such as parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts; or non-relatives, including family friends, youth workers, neighbors, babysitters, music teachers, older peers, or even clergy. There’s no clear-cut profile of a sex offender. Some offenders were sexually abused as children, but others have no such history. Some are unable to function sexually with adult partners and so they prey on children, while others also have sexual relations with adults. Very frequently, abusers are repeat offenders and a significant percent are adolescents.

Prevention and raising awareness are key. There are many actions that we can take as a community to reduce the prevalence of child sexual abuse.

Tips on Body Safety to Help Protect Children from Sexual Abuse

1. Teach children the accurate names of private body parts. Private parts are body parts that go under their swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone.’

2. Avoid focusing exclusively on “stranger danger.” Keep in mind that most children are abused by someone they know and trust.

3. Teach children about body safety and the difference between good touch and bad touch.

4. Let children know that they have the right to make decisions about their bodies. Empower them to say no when they do not want to be touched, even in non-sexual ways (i.e., politely refusing hugs kisses). Ensure your children know that their body is their body and they are the boss of it. Reinforce the idea that all of us have an invisible body bubble around us (personal space) and that they do not have to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to. They can choose to give that person a high five, shake hands, or fist or elbow-bump instead.

5. Make sure children know that adults and older children never need help with their private body parts (i.e., bathing or going to the bathroom).

6. Teach children to take care of their own private parts (i.e., bathing, wiping after bathroom use) so they don’t have to rely on adults or older children for help.

7. Trust your instincts! If you feel uneasy about leaving a child with someone, don’t do it.

8. Teach your child that no one has the right to touch or ask to see their private parts, and if someone does, they must leave the offender and situation right away if possible, and they must tell you or a trusted adult immediately, or as soon as possible.

9. Teach your child that if someone asks them to touch their own private parts, shows their private parts to the child or shows them images of private parts, that this is wrong also, and that they must tell a trusted adult right away. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed. 

10. Teach your child that with the exception of a parent or a doctor for medical or hygiene purposes, it is also wrong for anyone to ask a child to see their private parts or ask to see the child naked in person or in a photo.   

11. Discuss with your child that if someone does touch your child’s private parts that they have the right to say with the loudest voice possible: ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ and to leave and to tell.  Children (from a very young age) need to know their body is their body and no one has the right to touch it inappropriately.

12. No secrets. Reinforce that you will always believe your children and that they can tell you anything.

Download this list of tips in a free printable by subscribing to the Being in Community newsletter here.

These simple but empowering skills can make all the difference to a child’s life. So many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse say that if only they had known it was wrong from the first inappropriate touch, how different their lives would have been. Please educate your child, your community and yourself. These conversations are ongoing and evolving and should never stop.

The best time to talk to your child about sexual abuse is NOW.

Silvia Farag, MSW, LSW, runs the Christian Center for Counseling and works with adolescent and adult clients in individual, couples & family therapy. Her personal philosophy is that through human connection, we can foster the encouragement needed to take courageous steps toward creating positive change. She uses evidenced based and strengths-based approaches & believes in the inherent ability of each individual to overcome, when they are willing to step into their potential. Therapy illuminates the path so the client can make conscious steps towards emotional health. Her attitude is one of respect and acceptance of each client’s individuality, allowing for the creation of a safe, therapeutic space. Silvia also started the Coptic Women Fellowship, a ministry focused on enriching, supporting and strengthening the lives of Coptic Orthodox women, along with the clergy and several accomplished women of the Coptic Orthodox Archdiocese of North America. 

More suggested reading for children and families:

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