by Phoebe Farag Mikhail

A board member stepped down. Another volunteer quit. Why? Someone misspelled the name of my town in the newspaper ad for our first ever town-wide garage sale. They didn’t quit their roles in the town community committee over the misspelling – they quit because of all the vitriol spilled at them on the town Facebook group for “mismanaging” the publicity about the garage sale.

Not all town residents were so ungracious. Many recognized with thanksgiving that the town committee organizing the garage sale is made up entirely of volunteers and works to put on community events, support residents in need after disasters such as fires, and run an annual 5K for charity.  Others also pointed out that mistakes will always be made when starting something new. Nonetheless, words hurt, and the damage was done. The town-wide garage sale still happened, but not before several people suffered unnecessarily in the process.

It’s easy to believe that making comments and criticisms on social media make lasting changes. Social media engagement lulls us into believing we are actually doing something. But unless we are using social media to encourage others, support one another, share helpful (and accurate) information, and amplify the voices of people affecting positive change, social media is a waste of time at best and another way to hurt and tear down others at worst.

Last Saturday I stayed away from social media and took my daughter out in the morning for some one on one time. Born between two rambunctious boys, sometimes she can be unheard and unseen as her parents turn attention to what is urgent, like a toddler sitting on the head of his older brother and refusing to budge. After a particularly difficult evening where her brothers were getting much more attention than she was, I decided to spend some time just with her in the morning. I had to make sure that she got the message that she is seen and loved, and that she doesn’t have to act out to get the attention and connection she needs as much as her brothers do.

My daughter and I

We went on an adventure together, discovering a new little café near our home that offered unique pastries and a lovely atmosphere. After enjoying breakfast and chatting about school (I discovered, to my delight, that her favorite subject is math), we shared in our mutual love of shoes and did a little shoe shopping. We had a delightful morning together, and I resolved to repeat them often.

That was the same day Judge Kavanaugh was confirmed to his seat in the U.S. Supreme Court, news that made many women, especially those who have survived sexual assault, feel unseen, unheard, and unvalued. There’s a lot I can do on November 6^th to make changes (that was my subtle reminder to VOTE), but there was little I could do on Saturday to change what was happening in the Senate.

However, my decision to take my daughter out was not in response to national events. It was a result of my love for her and my concern that she could feel insignificant, ignored or undervalued, that only bad behavior got rewarded with attention. I was so preoccupied making sure she knew she was loved and worthy that I forgot about what was happening outside of that. It was only later in the day that a friend I was chatting with pointed out that my mommy/daughter morning was an act of resistance.

No amount of social media sharing is going to make my daughter feel more valued. Only love and connection can do that. When I tell her she is “worth more than many sparrows,” a princess because she is the daughter of the King of Kings, that she is made in God’s image, then I must treat her that way. I must walk the talk, “be the change I wish to see in the world,” as Ghandi would say.

We are most effective change agents to the people we are closest to. As someone who participates in plenty of social justice work and human rights advocacy, I definitely believe in the power of collective action to make change, and social media can certainly be an effective tool for that. Nothing is more powerful, however, than investing our time and energy in the people around us, those in our homes and in our local communities, like my town community group does.

We can type furiously on our computer screens, share angry rants and agitate ourselves. We can tear others down with our words and hurt them, even as we feel self-righteous about it. Or, we can shut it all down and look around us. There might be neighbors we haven’t met yet, sitting outside their houses with wares to sell and ready smiles. Or, there might be a little girl standing by, needing a reminder that she is valued, that she should be heard, and that we’ll believe her.

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