Today, my friend Madona Lawindy shares a thoughtful blog post about the tough questions our daughters ask us, from a very young age. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic as well!

by Madona Lawindy

When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I had big dreams about what our life together would look like.  I knew I was going to *make* her my best friend.  When she was of appropriate age, we were going to dish about boys and she would be honest with me about her crushes, even if she wasn’t allowed to date.  I was going to cultivate her confidence in herself so she wouldn’t be afraid to tackle things that were seemingly impossible or typically male-dominated whether they be careers, sports, or anything else for that matter.  We would basically spend her childhood bonding, forming a connection that can’t be broken by anyone or anything, even through the angst of the notoriously difficult teenage years.  She would grow up to know that a loving God wonderfully creates us, and as long as she trusts Him, nothing will stand in her way.  She would be brilliant, strong, self-assured, and a trailblazer if I could help it.

So fast forward to the morning when my almost 3 year old daughter joined me in front of the bathroom mirror as I was getting ready and asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks.  “Mommy, why do you wear makeup?”  I looked at her sweet little face, running the gamut of answers in my head, but ultimately finding each one problematic.

If I said to her, “Well, baby, it helps mommy look better,” haven’t I just given her the message that makeup is needed because my face isn’t good enough?

If I answered, “Mommy just uses it sometimes because she likes how she feels when she wears it,” does that mean I’ve told her that I can’t feel good unless I look different? 

I could have said, “It’s just something grown-ups do and you can do when you’re older,” but haven’t I then already set an expectation that makeup is a must for adulthood and a rite of passage, when really, it isn’t either of those things? 

I ended up telling her, “I’m actually not sure why I use it sometimes, but you don’t need it because God created you with a perfect face just as it is.”  Guess what?  That’s problematic, too.  I basically just told her God might have done a good job on her, but not her mommy.  That is definitely not a message I wanted to send!

Perhaps you may feel like I’m overreacting.  But am I?  All you parents out there don’t need to be told how much kids soak in every little thing that we do, much more than any words we say.  So when my child observes me immediately clean up a mess after I spill something, that reaction becomes her normal.  When she hears me politely say, “Excuse me” to get around a stranger at the store, she follows suit.  Every morning, my child has soaked in what I do in front of the mirror: I am obsessing over my eyebrows, going over my eyeliner again and again, covering my face with a variety of things coming out of bottles and containers— so, what have I done?  What message have I given?  How I talk about her surely has an influence in how she sees herself, but what about the silent influence I have?

Perhaps, to you, makeup is not a big deal.   Moms I spoke to were divided on their approach, and really their answers came down to whether they themselves were okay with their daughter trying it or not. Moms who leaned against the use of makeup gave answers such as “God made you beautiful just the way you are, so you don’t need it.” Another mentioned that the simplest answers usually work, sharing that “it’s something adults do and when you are an adult, you are welcome to try it.” Many moms I spoke with told me to just let her play with makeup, it’s really just her showing curiosity and it’s a form of art and play—or even can be incorporated into a science or history lesson.  Some moms who leaned on the side of acceptance of this interest shared the following responses they have given their daughters asking about makeup:

“Because I love it and enjoy using it to be creative, just like when you paint or draw 🙂 I don’t need makeup to feel beautiful, but it’s okay to wear it to feel extra good about yourself.”

“Because it’s as fun as picking a lovely costume or playing dress up sometimes!”

“Because I like to, not because I have to.”

“To make me fancy for work.”

As for myself, I found that I don’t mind wearing makeup, but I just don’t want to push the idea that it is a MUST. I grew up in a home that didn’t allow makeup, and it’s not a secret that many of us who grew up like that found ways around it. That’s obviously not ideal.

The question I would like to answer for myself is why did I find it so important that I would sneak it? Was it the sheer desirability of something that was forbidden? Or did I feel the need for it when I looked in the mirror? I know that standing here as an adult, I don’t feel like I HAVE to wear makeup at all times… but I can’t deny that I feel better and more confident when I do have some on. There are also many instances when I can’t imagine going somewhere without any makeup at all, such as a job interview, meeting new friends, or social settings where I am expected to make an impression. Somehow, how I look is very much tied into what I perceive people will think of me upon meeting me, despite my personality.

I also don’t want to be the one to plant the idea in her head that something is wrong with her that needs fixing, because I know the world moving forward will try to push that so much already. I also realized that there are some things she may see me doing that I absolutely couldn’t agree to, such as shaving her legs at her young age!

 The realm of answers for “Mommy, why do you shave your legs?” would be pretty similar to anything I would say about makeup, I think.  In this case we can say that because it’s that we perceive a razor as infinitely more dangerous (which would be correct), but let’s not get started on the many toxic chemicals and products found in much makeup today that negatively impact us—especially the ramifications of using it starting at such a young age.  

The point here isn’t really so much about whether or not I let her play with makeup or even what my answer was to her very simple, yet complex, question.  The point is this:  What is my daughter observing me doing that impacts how she sees herself?  I want nothing more than for my daughter to make decisions that build her character, keep her safe, and promote her self-value.  Likewise, the last thing I would want is to be the culprit in her seeing herself as anything less than whole.   If I’m truly honest with myself, her asking about my makeup wasn’t my struggle. The real issue is that the message I wanted to send her was coming across all wrong with any answer I gave. 

In the grand scheme of life, she will come across much worse battles than this one and I will probably answer much more difficult questions in her lifetime.  I just know that every moment is a stepping stone on her path and so I have to think hard about what I do while little eyes are watching.  In the meantime, my prayer is this: 

Dear Daughter,

May you always experience life in the fullest, without losing your spirit.  I pray nothing crushes your self-image no matter what you observe about how others see themselves or what you may hear being said about you.  May you never be a product of my own misguided ideas about what we should be and may you only follow God, knowing that His idea of you is perfect.  May you always strive for that spiritual perfection, constantly desiring to improve your inner self.  Should you find that you desire also to make your outside match your inside, then that’s wonderful.  But may you make that decision based on your own conclusions, and not based on the strong influence of the world and its standard of “normal.”  You will capture those on your path with your personality, your mind, and your heart.  Build those things, nurture them, crave the things which will strengthen you from the inside out, and you will always be beautiful.

As a very smart friend once said to me, “You don’t have to be the sun.  But you are a mirror, no matter how smudged, and every little bit of reflection helps.”  Even after I’ve written this letter to my daughter, I’m reading it and thinking “Why couldn’t this letter apply to me, right now?” I think we could all use an overhaul of how we perceive ourselves sometimes, and that’s a good place to start. Makeup isn’t the biggest deal in the world, whether you decide to wear it or not. The question is, why do you do it?

Madona (Seedhom) Lawindy is a wife to an incredibly supportive husband, and mother to two lively and charismatic children.  At any given moment, you can probably find her on her third cup of caffeine, trying to sneak in naps while standing up, staring at the open fridge hoping a meal will magically appear, answering her toddler’s million simple questions in complicated ways, all while daydreaming about bedtime. She believes God is the reason she makes it to the end and beginning of each day and thankful to get to have this life in this way. For more from Madona, see “He did it because He loves us,” “The Sluggard and the Rain,” and “Lessons from a Junkyard.”

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