Today I’m happy to share a guest blog post from Nicole M. Roccas, author of the newly released and incredibly important book, Under the Laurel Tree: Grieving Infertility with Saints Joachim and Anna. For all of us who long to be truly supportive to friends, family, and congregation members who suffer from infertility, Nicole has given us all the gift of sharing the grief of infertility that couples face and increasing our empathy. You can read my full review on Goodreads here, and purchase her book here in print or ebook and on audio here. I’m so grateful for her guest post below, sharing three ways we can all support couples with infertility.

By: Nicole M. Roccas

Research shows that infertility ranks among the hardest griefs a couple can face. Yet this painful issue is all too often neglected both in Church and society. My recently published book, Under the Laurel Tree: Grieving Infertility with Saints Joachim and Anna seeks to help couples and individuals navigate this loss and the strain it can place on their marriage.

Since I began writing the book, one of the questions I receive most often is from loved ones and clergy members who want to know how what we can do to better support couples in our midst who suffer from some form of infertility, whether childlessness, secondary infertility, or multiple miscarriages. 

Here are three of the most important ways we can show love and support to couples who struggle with infertility. 

One: Just listen

“When someone is struggling with this issue, don’t hand them the card to a fertility specialist. On the other hand, don’t start telling them all the things that they can’t do in light of Church doctrines. Just listen. Make sure that the Church is a safe place where people can be vulnerable about their genuine struggles and their needs.”

—Aaron (pseudonym), in response to the Under the Laurel Tree Questionnaire I circulated while writing my book

When we encounter someone in pain, our first instinct is to help or fix things—perhaps to alleviate their suffering, perhaps to avoid our own feelings of powerlessness. Yet, Fr. Philip Rogers, an Orthodox priest who recently adopted a baby girl with his wife after trying for over ten years to have a biological child, explains that “ministry to the infertile is largely one of loving presence. It is a time to weep with people and allow their struggle to be heard.” In this grief, he continues, “there is nothing comforting to say nor are there any good platitudes, it is simply one of weeping together. This is how all grief should be handled, but with other situations, there are often some words that are appropriate. In this case, there really is not” (Under the Laurel Tree, p. 67). 

Some may take issue with this sentiment. Isn’t some advice or guidance warranted? What we tend to forget is that infertility-related advice touches on some of the most intimate, mysterious, and fragile areas of a couple’s union. Almost any advice or statements risk undoing the sacred yet tenuous sinews of this bond, or the couple’s tie to the Church and their community.

Most of all, those of us with infertility need to know that our communities are not afraid or ashamed to just stand with us in our grief, to love us as we are, rather than rushing to “fix” our pain by problem solving, blaming, judging, or “talking at” our pain. The first step to doing this, on an interpersonal level, is simply by compassionate listening and acknowledging that there are no words for this grief. A hug, a squeeze of the hand, a calm and loving demeanor rather than intrusive questions or comments—this is our most basic need from our communities in this sorrow.

Two: Make connections, not assumptions

“There have been some priests and bishops who have literally asked, ‘What is taking you so long? Don’t you want children?’ Or even suggesting that it is a necessary expectation, that procreation is how we populate and ensure the future of the Church. It is our service to the Church. What is a polite response? ‘By your prayers.’” 

—Emilia, in response to the Under the Laurel Tree Questionnaire I circulated while writing my book 

The reality of infertility presents an opportunity for us as a community to examine the subtle assumptions we make of couples in our midst. These surface casually in the form of intrusive questions, comparisons, or jokes—some of them issued from the pulpit (#truestory).  Even seemingly “spiritual sounding” advice (for example, telling a couple to visit a particular monastery or pray more) can subtly convey fault and judgment. 

Often, the reason folks feel compelled to express their opinions is because otherwise they feel helpless. Expressing assumptions or advice offers an illusion of control over the chaos of the Cross. Yet true connection and grace are nourished not when we try to subjugate or minimize suffering, but when we learn to bear our crosses and those of one another with grace and humility.  

Practically speaking, we can build connections first by intentionally guarding our lips from voicing assumptions, no matter how subtly. We never know what a person or couple is going through, what pain they carry, or what the reasons are for a person’s circumstances.

Another way we can build connections is with open-ended rather than pointed or loaded questions. When meeting someone for the first time, for instance, instead of asking how many children they have (or whether they have children), we can ask “tell me about yourself.” In doing so, we hold space for meaningful encounter regardless of what the other person may be going through, whether it’s infertility or another struggle like unemployment, marital problems, or an addiction. 

Three: Normalize fertility challenges in speeches, sermons, lectures, retreats, and pre-marital counseling

Despite the fact that 10-15% of couples will experience some form of infertility, the topic remains taboo in Church and society. Few couples I know ever discussed it in pre-marital counseling with priests, for example, and even fewer churches have organized retreats or talks around infertility. Many programs, events, and discourses in our communities assume the nuclear family to be the norm, which subtly neglects or disenfranchises singles, childless couples, and others who don’t fit this mold. 

One way we could begin to counter this tendency, at least with regard to infertility, is to normalize it–mention it in talks or sermons alongside other life struggles like financial or parenting issues; organize retreats or lectures around the topic of infertility just as we might around hardships like addiction, mental health, or end-of-life concerns. Moreover, let’s start the conversation about infertility proactively by incorporating it into premarital counseling with young couples–not to scare them, but to signal that it is a normal thing that can happen in a marriage, and to demonstrate that the Church is a place of support if it does.

It seems to me that normalizing this difficult topic does not just edify couples facing infertility but the entire Church and community. Having infertility on our collective radar as a not-uncommon occurrence in life–and a grief we can support others in–counterbalances the tendency to take the miracle of life for granted. Every life is God’s gift and every marriage is as sacred as it is unique.

Want to learn more about how you can support those with infertility in your community? Under the Laurel Tree is full of insights and suggestions for loved ones, friends, clergy members and other community leaders.

Purchase the book on Ancient Faith Publishing here. Purchase it on Amazon here. Purchase the audio book here.

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Nicole Roccas, PhD, writes and podcasts about the intersections between faith and the difficult things in life. She is also the author of two books, including Under the Laurel Tree: Grieving Infertility with Saints Joachim and Anna. You can find more of Nicole’s online writing about infertility and faith here. You can also find her on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/nicoleroccas/), Twitter (https://twitter.com/Work_and_Words), or Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/nicoleroccas/). She has her PhD in European History from the University of Cincinnati and lives in Toronto with her husband, Basil. Together they co-host the Ancient Faith Radio podcast Help My Unbelief.    

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